Image by Eden Moon of Pixabay and Danica De La Mora.
Representation Determines the Relationship
When it comes to relationships of any kind, the way we present ourselves makes all the difference in the world. You will be treated according to the way you look and how you behave. If you are completely unrestrained, comfortable, and accessible, then others will feel completely comfortable accessing you without restraint, which will not always work in your favor. This is important to understand because basic interactions with others determine your relationships with them.
A Treasure Trove Within Us
Every one of us is a box of treasures just waiting to be opened. Contained within us are sparkling secrets; shiny gold nuggets of knowledge and experience; colorfully glowing gemstones of unusual talents and insight; literary relics of past decisions, outcomes, journeys, and lessons; and shimmering keys that unlock dreams, desires, and determinations. These things are buried within our pleasures and pain.
Many of us come into this world and are told who we are, what we want, and what we need to do. We rarely bother to look within in order to know the treasures we possess. But we validate our worth by the value others appear to place on us. We then claim to be an open book for practically anyone–especially those who have not known us long enough to earn it. We willingly adopt their baseless appraisals.
You are extremely valuable. In fact, you are priceless. There will never be another you. So, why in the world would you grant access to just anyone–and why embrace their opinions of you?
Does Familiarity Breed Contempt?
You probably have heard the phrase, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Have you any idea what that means? Like most people, you may think it means that too much of something can be a bad thing. Perhaps you understand it to mean that seeing too much of someone means that you will annoy him or her. Maybe you think it has to do with wearing out your welcome. While these are widely accepted interpretations, they have little to do with familiarity.
Look at modern definitions of the phrase and it is easy to see why people confuse the meaning. In what has become an overly casual society like ours, where familiarity is basic system of operation, the meaning of this phrase is lost to the average person.
Let us examine the confusion for a moment.
Misleading Definitions
WritingExplained.org defines “familiarity breeds contempt” as: “The longer one knows someone, the more likely that he or she will discover negative things about the other person. This can also apply to things. If a person does something for a long time, he or she might grow to dislike or hate it.”1 In other words, your days are numbered!
Phrases.org comes a little closer with its definition: “. . . a close long-term relationship with a person or situation brings about feelings of boredom or lack of respect.”2
The Cambridge Dictionary comes closer still with its definition: “. . . if you know someone very well you stop respecting them because you have seen all of their bad qualities.”3
The Free Dictionary defines it as: “Repeated exposure to someone or something often creates a contentious relationship.”4 If that is the case, it would seem that nothing can be done about it!
A writer from Psychology Today, however, twists an interpretation of it into a tangled knot and throws chocolate all over it. “‘The expression . . . can refer to what often happens in long-standing relationships and marriages. . . . Familiarity is not always the culprit; at times, familiarity may pave the way for greater intimacy and love. . . . When we honor one another, we’re not likely to experience contempt.'”5
Literal Meaning of the Phrase
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, one of the definitions of familiarity is: “the quality or state of being familiar or close acquaintance with something.”6
Among Merriam-Webster’s definitions of breed are beget, produce, or engender.7
Again, consulting Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, the definition of contempt is: “the act of despising or disdain.” Another definition is “willful disobedience to or open disrespect.”8
Taken literally, the meaning of “familiarity breeds contempt” is “close acquaintanceship produces open disrespect or despising.”
The Actual Meaning
Familiarity, then, is overstepping personal boundaries and behaving toward others with a feeling of inappropriate knowingness. It is also acting toward others with a degree of comfort that tramples on consideration. It is a failure to extend the respect that should be shown to all individuals, not just elders or professionals. Familiarity is reciprocal, so opening that door allows others to return the sentiment in your direction. Familiarity does breed contempt, not only because it allows both parties to ignore boundaries and be disrespectful, but both parties are likely to despise it!
In a nutshell, “familiarity breeds contempt” means that the state of being “familiar” with others removes the personal boundaries that create respect and distance between people. As a result, that degree of knowing others too well welcomes people to take liberties with you and disrespect is the inevitable result. This is because people are too comfortable with each other.
Unfamiliar First Impressions
Have you ever noticed that most people are on their best behavior when they do not know someone very well? They are mindful of their language and their manners while in the company of someone in a significant position: a parent, a teacher, or a boss, for example. A lot of people care about the first impressions they make. They also do not know what to expect from a stranger or what consequences will result from being themselves. They are unfamiliar with the stranger, so they are not acting with familiarity toward the person.
The same thing happens with a person who is in a higher social position, whether an elder or a professional. All adults should command a level of obedience and respect from children based on their own actions, not stemming from the child. A certain degree of friendship with children can override these principles and create familiarity. Teachers usually command respect by separating students from a private association. Most teachers are not chummy with students and they are on a last name basis. This is to prevent familiarity, which breeds disrespect and disobedience.
Uneven Elevation
Have you noticed that the customer or client has been demoted? Problems have arisen because the customer is no longer right, but must know his place and conform to terms and conditions. It is an increasing rarity for people to address you by your last name. Using title prefixes for those individuals who are in professions, like physicians, keeps familiarity at bay. This is important so that there is no confusion in relations.
The tendency to be professional and friendly often backfires from what I term “uneven elevation.” This is when you refer to your doctor by his prefix and last name, and he still addresses you by your first name. While this may be “friendly,” toward you, it is uneven, and it is conducting relations with you in undue familiarity. There is no shortage of cries about imagined inequalities today, but the uneven elevation of professionalism oddly seems to have drawn no attention.
A Hedge Between . . .
An off-shoot of “familiarity breeds contempt” is the phrase, “a hedge between keeps friendships green.” This meaning is very similar, but again, misconstrued by modern definitions.
The Free Dictionary defines it as: “Friendships are more likely to be successful when there is a level of space and privacy between friends.”9
That is not exactly the case. The hedge to which the phrase refers is a wedge or guard against familiarity. Friendships stay green when comforts are trimmed by consideration and courtesy. Intrusiveness is replaced by reservation. Waiting for permission and invitations is a gesture of thoughtfulness. A declination to intrude on space and privacy breeds trust and admiration.
Merely adding space and privacy to your friendships cuts back the closeness of the association to the point that it may never grow. Other elements are necessary for enriching friendships! Although you may know someone very well, it is always appreciated when permission is granted in order to do something while in their space. This may be a desire for a drink or a request to use the restroom. You are not taking liberties with his or her personal environment.
Levels of Disclosure
Familiarity can have a negative effect on any type of relationship, whether it is family, friends, acquaintances, or a significant other. When one or both people are too relaxed in their association, disrespect is more likely to occur because people are comfortable.
This is not to say that close friends and family should not have any familiarity, but there are levels. There are certain things that are better shared with a significant other and certain things that are better shared with friends or family. But when it comes to presenting oneself to the public and interacting with acquaintances, those interactions should always be consistent and unfamiliar.
The avoidance of familiarity is most important in the beginning when getting to know someone. It should be maintained when the relationship is expected to remain an acquaintanceship. Familiarity should be earned through trust and time. It can be hard to set boundaries with disrespectful siblings who have grown up with the familiarity that comes from being genetically related.
Some Common Familiar Tendencies
The following is a list of some common examples of familiarity. It involves relaxing your appearance and being immodest, being overly comfortable in your behavior and your consideration, and allowing yourself to become intrusive, inconsiderate, or offensive.
- Calling acquaintances pet names like honey, darling, and sweetheart
- Addressing clients or customers by their first names
- Going anywhere in pajamas
- Revealing clothing that shows cleavage or a lot of skin
- Wearing tight clothing that is revealing in personal areas, such as “yoga pants”
- Asking personal questions
- Smoking in the presence of others
- Moving in with someone without a proposal
- Staying too long when visiting others
- Ignoring cues when someone is ready to end the conversation
- Calling someone by his or her first name without approval
- Ingratiating or a groveling manner toward strangers
- Divulging troubles to everyone
- Making sexual remarks
- Walking into someone’s home unannounced
- Reading someone else’s loose papers or mail
- Glancing at someone’s phone, even while he or she is using it
- Propping feet on someone else’s furniture
- Releasing flatulence while in company
- Using foul language in conversation with others
- Standing nearby when someone is paying or using passwords or PINs
- Displaying bare female legs without pantyhose
- Being slovenly in one’s appearance
- Grooming in front of others
- Sharing too much information (especially gross details) unless absolutely necessary
- Asking for inconvenient favors
- … and many more
Minimizing the Weaknesses
While the modern definitions scratch the surface of feelings of contempt that stem from familiarity, they are misleading. Few people seem to understand familiarity because they think it is normal to be both accessible and intrusive. It is the comfortable intrusiveness and voluntary accessibility that causes the trouble, not spending so much time with someone. It is the effortless lack of consideration that accompanies familiarity that can wear on someone’s nerves. Visiting a friend unannounced and walking right in is one example. Going into a long phone discussion without determining if the recipient has time to talk, is another.
Indeed, knowing all of someone’s bad personality traits does not speak highly for the person. Neither would unflattering clothing speak highly for his or her attractiveness. This is why we minimize the appearance of our weaknesses by emphasizing our good qualities and minding how we present ourselves. We all have pluses and minuses. But dislike does not arise simply from knowing someone, as if it prompts one to be discarded like an old shoe after wear and tear. The greatest relationships form from the wear and tear that arise from weathering storms together. The idea that repeated exposure causes boredom and disdain are false also. It is the acceptable behaviors of long-term associations that accompany short-term or immediate acquaintanceship. This affects romantic relationships as well, which will be covered later.
Formal Implementation
If you stay formal, cordial and reserved, and do not get too close, you will keep familiarity and contempt at bay. When people do not know you very well, they are on their best behavior. This is what actually is meant by the “familiarity breeds contempt” caution. It has nothing to do with wearing out your welcome or being disliked by those who know you. It simply warns against being so close with acquaintances that you allow them to take liberties with you.
References
- Writing Explained. https://writingexplained.org/idiom-dictionary/familiarity-breeds-contempt. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- Phrases.org. https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/familiarity-breeds-contempt.html. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- The Cambridge Dictionary. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/familiarity-breeds-contempt. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- The Free Dictionary. https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/familiarity+breeds+contempt. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-shift-of-mind/201010/does-familiarity-breed-contempt. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- Merriam-Webster Dictionary app. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- Merriam-Webster Dictionary app. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- Merriam-Webster Dictionary app. Accessed January 2, 2025.
- The Free Dictionary. https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/a+hedge+between+keeps+friendships+green. Accessed January 2, 2025.
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