The online dating world is a battlefield with numerous pitfalls and potential problems. Here is how to identify some of the online dating red flags so that you can avoid them.
Image by Tumisu from Pixabay & Danica De La Mora.
Success in the Eye of the Beholder
Nearly every person who has had any experience with online dating can tell you about its disastrous side. You will hear about “catfish,” ugly messages, stand-ups, and more. Even so, whether it is out of desperation or limited options, something keeps people coming back to try again. The truth of the matter is that you will get out of online dating whatever you put into it. This statement applies to efforts and expectations. Success in online dating involves more than finding your ideal mate; it involves the way you respond to circumstances that are not under your control. These circumstances will constitute more than 80 percent of your experience. A good analogy for online dating would be riding a mechanical bull. It seems harmless enough, but the objective is to stay on and not get thrown off.
Red flags are undesirable circumstances, warning signs, and social indications that alert a person to proceed with caution, or run in the opposite direction. Online dating itself does not produce red flags any more than life in general produces them. The difference is that one is likely to meet a lot more people online and in a shorter amount of time than he or she might encounter on a daily basis.
Meeting people online is like walking through any crowded place; you will get bumped and prodded and stepped on, and it may hurt, even if it is an accident and impersonal since others do not know you. But it still likely will make your blood boil! Just understand that these experiences are normal and reflect the lack of manners and decency of some people today.
Identifying the Warning Signs
Warning signs may present themselves as disrespectful comments, foul and offensive language, or crass language. They may be nude photos, demands, possessiveness, obsessiveness, inappropriateness or attempts to control. There is no limit to the prevalence or nature of red flags. Just keep your eyes peeled so that you can avoid them once they emerge!
Independent & Inflexible
Here is an example of a red flag that a woman might encounter when reading a man’s profile:
“I don’t want another freeloader. Come professional or keep to your own level of strata. Work is important to me. I work hard and play harder. Weekends are tear it up, weekdays I hustle and grind like nobody’s business. Don’t lie or misrepresent yourself. It’s really that simple. Make sure your life is in order because I’m not here to save anyone, including you.” – Stinger450
This is terrible. First, his user name is Stinger, which is a very good indication that he has no qualms about stinging anyone. Evidently, he has been stung a few times himself. He will prioritize his work over any woman in his life and she can expect no support from him in any form. He guards his heart and is selfish, wanting no responsibilities. There is no interest in anything serious, just unimportant interactions. This is the type of man who may disappear after the first date. (Let’s hope so!)
Perhaps surprisingly, women put similar content in their profile bios. Women often love to appear strong and assertive and showcase their masculine traits. Perhaps most people have concerns about financially supporting someone else. It threatens their independence! In the quest for “equality,” which has arisen from imaginary historical accounts, both genders have been conditioned to assume the traits of the other person. Men and women have been programmed to denounce what is intrinsic to their natures.
A Side Dish for Hardy Appetites
Woman: “You’re hot. What are you doing tonight? I’m ready and willing!”
Man: “Why is there a man in your profile pictures? Is he your husband?”
Woman: “Yeah, he’s my husband, but he wanted a threesome so I’m tryin’ my luck.”
Do not even crack open this can of worms! There is a lot of dysfunction out there and it will try to pull you right in. If you receive this type of message from someone, the correct response is to delete the correspondence or block the person.
No Photo? No-No.
Man: “I really love what you said in your profile about looking for a special person to cuddle under the stars with.”
Woman: “Thank you. I see that you don’t have any photos on your profile and I would really like to know what you look like.”
Man: “Sure, Darlin’. If you’ll send me your email address, I will mail you some pictures of me. I work for a very well known company and in my position I have to be very careful about my privacy, so I haven’t put any online.”
Physical appearance is the number one most important factor in the attraction between a man and a woman. It is also extremely important for online dating. Some women think they can write a beautiful bio and that will convince a man to contact her. It is hard enough for some men to take significant risks and drive to meet women when they are uncertain about whom they will meet. Not having a profile picture at all, however, is unlikely to generate any interest or responses on part of a man or a woman.
Beware of this type of red flag. This excuse for not having a profile photo is very common. It is true that there are circumstances like fame or unusually good looks that will generate a lot of disbelief. In most cases, however, one can surmise that a profile without a photo is a cover for a person who is married, otherwise attached, or is not serious about meeting anyone.
Companies should not be able to dictate what employees do when they are not at work, especially participating in online dating. It is unlikely that anyone from work would identify the person – and if that happened, the other person would have to be engaging in online dating as well! Bottom line: A well known company like this one sounds like Married, Inc.
Instant Gratification & Bad Temper
In addition to having a life, the good thing about not being glued to your electronic device is that it often will point to someone’s Achilles heel. He or she may be impatient, possessive, angry, obsessed, demanding, and outright offensive. If the person shows undesirable behavior when he or she does not receive a quick response from you, this is a sign that the person should be left alone. No one on an online dating platform has any business knowing what you do or controlling when you respond.
Confused Identities or Perversions
To find a friend first. Seeks LTR. – SparklyUnicornDust
Man: “Hw r U?”
Woman: “Fine, thanks. Sparkly unicorn dust?”
Man: “Yeh.. I wanted a uniqe name because Im a submissive male.”
Woman: “If you are a submissive male, why are you writing to a female who may also be submissive?”
Man: “Because Im a switch. While im primary submissive, I realized that Im whats known in BDSM as a switch.. This just means that Im someone that enjoys switching roles from dominant to submissive or bottom to top. I use ropes restraints BDSM and paddles.”
Woman: “You have settled my curiosity, thank you, but this conversation is inappropriate and not what I desire. Good luck in your search.”
Comments are superfluous, but very obviously this type of person belongs with someone who shares his mindset. That would not be you. Move on.
Obsessive Indications or Unrealistic Expectations
Some people will say things that indicate a tendency toward obsession. Everything sounds dreamy and perfect. He says he thinks of you at all hours of the day and that he was continually checking his messages. She says she was wondering how long it was going to take you to respond and she feels that you are Mr. Perfect. Sometimes a person is single because he or she has fantasized about someone to the point that the real person cannot compete with fantasy.
One man said that he was in his 50s and had never married because he had not found the perfect person. This is an indication that he has unrealistic ideals. A person who has high expectations will not be convinced that you are a good match, no matter how long you have spent getting acquainted. People can waste years trying to convince someone that they are meant for each other.
One client was unable to receive and respond to messages for a few days due to a power outage. When she returned to virtual reality, she found extensive messages from a man with whom she had messaged briefly. They had never talked to each other or met in person. In his messages, he described in-depth fatalistic scenarios he had imagined, including gory details. He outlined heroic intentions of rushing to her side, cleaning her wounds, monitoring vital signs, and meeting with her family. He planned to embrace her family members, run their errands, do their household chores and stay as long as possible. While the intentions may be honorable, this kind of obsession is concerning.
Disrespectful Exchanges
Sometimes these interactions come right out of nowhere.
Kent98L7: “Ready to step outside your comfort zone?”
Beauty1089: “Meaning?”
Kent98L7: “Well I have a feeling you’ve never dated a man quite like myself, so I think it’d be interesting to see if I could meet your wants and needs in a potential partner.”
Beauty1089: “What gives you that feeling?”
Kent98L7: “Well is it safe to assume that you’ve primarily dated affluent white men with egos larger than their brain can support? Men who use you for a trophy and couldn’t give a **** about you? I see you’ve never been married and that’s cuz you’re an option and not a solution.”
Beauty1089: (Looking at Kent98L7’s profile and seeing his long list of judgmental statements and long relationship) “I think it is safe to assume that you are not my type if you have had a relationship for 9+ years and have never committed. If pulling me out of my comfort zone means wasting my time, no thanks.”
These quips happen fairly often. Even though deleting the message and not engaging would have been taking the high road, sometimes someone hits a nerve. Having only long-term relationships to show for a woman’s past does make her feel that she is an option and not a solution. It is true, and it hurts her!
Even More Red Flags
There are many other types of red flags to look for when it comes to online dating and I have described even more in the Digital Dignity online dating books. These huge books (600+ pages) outline everything one needs to know about self-improvement and staying afloat on the high seas of online dating. Click one of the links below to grab a copy!
Also be on the lookout for the upcoming online dating books: The Digital Dignity Online Dating Quickstart Guide: Navigating the Net with Class.
Happy hunting,
Danica De La Mora
HUGE Online Dating Handbook Now Available
To read more helpful tips on red flags and interesting and humorous anecdotes about online dating, check out the comprehensive online dating handbooks, Digital Dignity, by Danica De La Mora. Both versions (for the lady or gentleman) are paperbacks containing more than 600 pages each, with four indices of examples to follow or avoid, a dating checklist, numerous illustrations, a section for notes, and extensive information on setting up profiles, interacting with people, and how to behave on dates. They are packed with information on personal refinement, attraction and magnetism, male-female polarity, masculinity and femininity, boundaries, red flags, familiarity, courtship, and much more. This book is THE AUTHORITY when it comes to modern dating with old world class. Attract wonderful things to your life!
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