When you make a connection with someone online, do you prefer to wait a while before meeting in person? Do you believe that staying online for longer periods will enable you to legitimize someone? Have you considered that these approaches may not be in your best interest? Either way, you have come to the right place!
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Haste or Hesitancy About Meeting In Person
Waiting for long periods before meeting in person is a tendency that a lot of people have. It is natural to feel somewhat cautious about the unknown. Many people also feel shy about meeting someone new or about presenting themselves. Whatever the reasoning, while some men do have these concerns, the hesitancy to meet is largely on behalf of the woman. The concepts outlined in this post are beneficial and apply to both people, but because women are most hesitant, this post is tailored to them.
A Fearful Scenario
I would like for you to imagine this scene for a moment. You have arrived at a very nice restaurant in order to meet your friend Cara for lunch. She approaches the table, excitedly seats herself, and you wonder what she is getting ready to reveal. Finally, she tells you the big news: she has found an incredible job online.
Cara tells you about this fantastic position that pays six figures, with paid vacations, minimal expectations, the ability to work from home, and every other benefit you can imagine. She laments that she may have to relocate, and perhaps across the country, but that it has not been determined at this time. You feel down that she may have to move, but you are happy for her. You ask her when she starts.
“Well, I haven’t applied yet,” she says.
“Why not?” you ask.
“Because I don’t know the employer. You know what they say about the crazy online world! Who knows if it’s even real. I’ve been messaging with him, though.”
You ask her if she is concerned that she might miss this opportunity. She says no, that it is her dream job and it is perfect for her, so it will be available to her whenever she is ready.
“How long do you think it will take for you to feel comfortable meeting the employer?” you ask.
“I’ll keep messaging him and I might consider it in six months or a year,” she responds.
You are taken aback. What on earth is the problem? You remind her that there is a branch across town, and that, even if they don’t have any positions available, she could inquire about this employer and position.
She shakes her head. “No, no, I don’t know those people.”
You try to rationalize this situation for a moment. “But don’t you meet new people through your job now?”
“Well, I’m not working there anymore. I found out that they were hiring people who applied online and I decided it was too dangerous. Can you believe that customers were just walking in and they weren’t being patted down or getting background checks, either?? I quit, so I’m avoiding this scary world!”
“So, I take it you’ve stopped going to church.”
“Yes. They are allowing too many new members. And a lot of people found the church online!”
“How about that degree you nearly finished?” you ask.
“I’m doing it entirely online now. Really bothers me that they are still having in-person classes since there’s no telling who could show up for class!”
“How about doctor’s appointments?” you say.
“Only by phone,” she responds.
“I am surprised that you agreed to meet me in a public place,” you tell her.
“Yeah, but I’m not alone. If someone approaches, I have my taser and you as my witness.”
You are shocked. “Okay. Well, I didn’t realize you feel this way. We could have ordered something. Do you use pizza delivery?”
“Pizza delivery? Are you insane??” she exclaims. “Do you realize the crazies that could come to your door?!”
“I guess you don’t order products online anymore, either?”
“Oh, yeah, I do.”
“You do? You’re not worried about your sensitive information being online? Online merchants, social media…”
“Okay, then what do you do when the mailman approaches?”
“I tell him I am armed and to leave the packages at the mailbox on the road and no one will get hurt! He knows I mean it!!! The online world is insane!”
Suddenly, the waiter approaches. “Hi, my name is Matthew and I’ll be taking care of you today–“
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” Cara screams, grabs her handbag, and runs out the door.
Wow! What just happened? You’re standing there with your mouth wide open. This sounds like an extreme exaggeration, but if you have done a lot of online dating, you likely can relate to this absurd story!
As the story indicates, when a person is living a normal, healthy life, he or she comes in contact with many strangers throughout most days. We meet people at school, at work, at church, at any place of business, and we interact with strangers any time we need a service or a product. Life is all about connecting with people and the world around us. If you don’t interact with people you don’t know, you won’t have friends, accomplishments, or anything in your life at all!
It is dangerous to fear potential danger to the point of isolation. As soon as people started using the Internet, they were cautioned against giving out any personal details. However, with the comfortable addiction to social media, people have discarded those warnings and have shared every detail of their lives. Unfortunately, online dating still seems to be considered crazy and scary territory, when this is entirely unfounded. You could just as easily encounter a scary person at a local bar. The only reason it might be likelier online is if you are dating the way you should be dating: meeting many people very quickly.
The tragedy is that people have carried their social media courage to online dating, which makes them open up about all of their details over many weeks or months. If the eventual meeting doesn’t produce the desired results, here is a stranger in whom you are not interested, and he knows everything about you as well as your past and everyone in your life. This is what you want to avoid.
In my recent book series, Digital Dignity, I outline the importance of making numerous contacts online and establishing in-person meetings as soon as possible. If you are familiar with speed dating, the concept is similar. Meet as many people as possible in as little time as possible. Just a meet-and-greet in public and nothing more. There are many reasons for this, so let’s look at some of them.
1. Optimizing time. Time is the one thing of which you can never be reimbursed, so it is important to avoid wasting large amounts of time when it comes to potential mates. Online dating is a process, so making digital connections themselves can take some time. After that time, people usually spend months or years to find the readiness to meet in person–if they ever do. Meeting in person very soon after making a connection can help you make the most of your time. Also, you can use the Digital Dignity Dating Calendar to help you manage your time wisely!
2. A rational turnaround. Perhaps you subscribe to the idea that you can only connect with or meet one person at a time. This is a very dangerous outlook when it comes to finding success in online dating. Since online dating sites are not factories that put your ideal person together and ship him to you, meeting the right person is contingent entirely on statistics. The more people you meet, the closer you are to finding someone who is right for you. The longer you take in the parts of this process that are fully within your control, however, the longer it will take for you to arrive at your destination.
3. Limitless possibilities. When you are not attaching yourself to one person, you free yourself up to experiencing other and potentially better possibilities. Remember that this is a person who happens to be a total stranger who has no credibility in any promises he may make to you. You don’t have any idea if you will even like this person in reality. It is foolish to be in an exclusive relationship with someone just because the person looks good on the screen or sounds good on the phone. Therefore, only way to know is by meeting in person.
4. Chemical assessment. They say that men are visual creatures. The truth is that physical attraction is important to everyone, not just men. It is important to meet in person to see if you find the person attractive. Hearing his voice tone and dialect, observing the nuances of facial expressions, discovering if there are similarities in humor or philosophies, and much more, can give you more information in ten minutes than you could gather in 12 months of virtual contact. So, meeting in person is extremely important!
5. Diminished expectations. The sooner you meet in person, the fewer expectations are likely to develop. Hope and expectations are natural occurrences that result from the unknown, but they can have negative impacts. The longer you sit in unknown territory, the easier it is for the imagination to run wild. Because the imagination is a necessary element in all virtual interactions, there is nothing else that can make the experience satisfying enough to continue it. The imagination, however, is a major romantic saboteur when it comes to online dating!
6. Easy legitimizing. The online dating world is the likeliest place for people to doubt who you truly are and whether you are accurately representing yourself. People do not seem to realize that if you are willing to meet in person, the chances are high that you are who you say you are. Of course, he is going to discover your appearance as soon as he meets you. Strangely, however, it seems that most people’s idea of validation is more and more pictures instead of meeting in person. Remember that a catfish must stay in the water, so meeting on dry land allows both of you to legitimize each other. Just because it may seem too good to be true, that does not mean that it is. Therefore, meeting in person is the only way to find out!
7. Fewer obligations. When you date with dignity and follow The De La Mora Romantic Model, which is outlined in my Digital Dignity books for men and women, you maintain boundaries from the very beginning. The absence of boundaries will do no favors for you. If you grant someone exclusivity and unwarranted closeness, this will ensure that you will be held accountable for things that neither involve him nor are any of his business. So, you should not be obligated to someone, especially someone who is still a stranger and has not earned this from you.
8. No loose ends. Imagine that you have a typical online dating experience. After weeks or months of messages, you graduate to the phone. You might even move to video chat–if you dare! You get to know each other deeply. He knows your full name, where you were born, and you’ve compared your astrological signs. He knows your parents’ names, what they do for a living, where your entire family is from, and where they live now. You have told him all about work, your boss’ name, your problematic coworkers, and your schedule. He knows that you go to the gym on Castle Rhyne Road and that you hit Ashbury Park on other days. He is acquainted with the reasons you usually visit one grocery store instead of the other, and that you walk your trash to the dump at 7 in the evening, right before checking your mail.
Then you meet in person and the meeting is a dud. He smells funny. It appears that his pictures were taken many years ago. He has this strange verbal tick and sniffs every four words. You find that the conversation is strained and he has no sense of humor. Some of his facial expressions give you the creeps, if you were to be honest. Now what? Now he knows more about you than most of your friends because you waited so long to meet in person and had to have something to discuss in the meantime. Do you really want a stranger having all of this information when all you really want to do is disconnect? Probably not, so it is a good idea to speed up the meeting!
9. Strengthens courage and faith. The more you meet people, the easier it gets. The first few times, it can be hectic because you are meeting a stranger and don’t know what to expect. However, if you approach each meeting as though you are meeting for business or you are making a new friend, it can take some of the pressure off. I can have a good time when I am by myself, so I always showed up with the attitude that I was going to have a good time regardless of company. I discovered that my attitude was contagious and I always had a good time. So, if you keep in mind that you can learn something new from everyone, and believe that good things will come your way, this will increase courage and faith!
10. Installs helpful filters. Perhaps you have been meeting people for a while, but still have not met someone who has that something special. It takes time and patience. It is like combing the paper for an opportunity you desire. Sometimes it can take months or years. Nevertheless, the good thing about all of the brief meetings that dead end is that you have a better idea of what you don’t want. This is extremely helpful, so try not to get discouraged by meetings that don’t go as well as you had hoped! It’s never truly a loss.
Every single meeting presents you with a lesson or is one small chisel away at a better idea of your ideal. It is never a failure. Each interaction with someone who has something that you do not particularly desire enables you to finetune your filters. This is not about raising your expectations and being even pickier; this is about acknowledging what really does not work for you. Keep in mind that for every amazing quality you desire in another person, you must hold yourself to equal or higher standards. Like attracts like! This is an important element of refinement, so this is good for everyone.
11. Tones social skills. Some may believe that once a person learns social skills, they possess them for life. However, this is not true. Social skills are like muscles, so without continual use they will atrophy. Every time you meet someone in person, you are toning those muscles and social interactions become easier for you. Just like going to the gym or starting your private workout routine, the first few weeks may be rough. Nevertheless, it does get easier!
12. Limits attachment. A lot of people tend to latch onto the first person who responds to them online. This is very detrimental. If a woman is looking for something serious, she has the potential to become devastated if it doesn’t point in that direction. Women can stay in dead end, long-term relationships for years in the hope that eventually it will produce their desired outcome. Unfortunately, years usually elapse before the woman realizes that this is not the case. So, the idea is to meet many people and see if any of them have potential. It is not to develop an intense attachment or obsession over someone, especially if he does not share your sentiments.
13. Properly directed focus. Not only do frequent in-person meetings keep people from getting attached to someone prematurely, but they also keep the focus on anything other than one person (until the time is right). Attraction is a chemical process within the brain and it has a similar effect on the brain as does a drug. It is important to maintain focus on the right things and not focus on one person until later. So, make sure that you do not get distracted by one person right away.
14. A determinable outcome. Another great benefit of meeting in person right away is that you have a better chance of reaching a determinable outcome. You aren’t wasting months or years of your life in an exclusive relationship with a stranger; you are actively putting real-life efforts into finding someone with whom you can build a future. In my Digital Dignity books, I address the reasons why endless online communication and dead end, long-term relationships are toxic if you desire to have success in your life and with love. It really is all about keeping your eye on the goal. But you have to identify it first!
Taking It To the Next Level
If you are serious about finding someone in the dating world, I have some products that can make your life easier and more enjoyable.
Digital Dignity for the Lady
This is my latest book, Digital Dignity for the Lady: Contemporary & Online Dating with Old World Class. This is an extensive 630-page handbook on online dating and dating with values.
Learn how to set up a profile, send effective dating messages, select good photos, date with dignity and boundaries, and lots more. There are also many interesting and hilarious real-life examples demonstrating what not to do when it comes to dating!
Digital Dignity Dating Calendar for the Lady
The Digital Dignity Dating Calendar for the Lady is a unique, 12-month calendar! Following the Digital Dignity philosophy, this calendar makes it easy to stay focused and organized. It features 12-month pages with blank days and years, so you can fill in days, dates, and events. Each month includes some of my dating tips. With this spiral bound wall calendar, you can keep up with dates easily while focusing your efforts on finding the love that awaits you!
Digital Dignity Dating Journal for the Lady
The hardcover Digital Dignity Dating Journal is a companion book of Digital Dignity for the Lady: Contemporary and Online Dating with Old World Class. Designed with many types of people in mind, this dating journal makes the dating process much simpler by providing more than 300 pages of questionnaires and note taking areas. Improve your results and avoid wasting time, energy, hopes, and opportunities with this unique journal. Record and evaluate the countless possibilities of finding true love!
Digital Dignity Vault
This small, paperback password logbook can easily be carried anywhere, with its 160 pages and being slightly larger than a 4 x 6. Record details about your dating email, dating phone, video chats, and online profiles. Keep track of memberships, the duration of your subscriptions, and login and contact information. You can also keep a list of your favorite sites, books, channels, dating locations, and much more. Stay organized with The Digital Dignity Vault and put your focus on the main thing that really matters: Dating with dignity!
Digital Dignity Bookmark
The Digital Dignity for the Lady Bookmark is a helpful way to stay focused and motivated! This small bookmark is made of robust aluminum and features a top slot that holds single pages in place. This bookmark is perfect for marking your pages in the process of learning. Pair this bookmark with the Digital Dignity for the Lady book by Danica De La Mora and you are on your way to a better future filled with all of the things you deserve!
Digital Dignity Mug
Warm your soul and your confidence with this 11-ounce black ceramic mug. This black ceramic mug is microwave and dishwasher safe and has high-quality sublimation printing. Catch up on your dating messages and enjoy your morning or afternoon coffee or tea with this motivational Digital Dignity mug!
Remember to Keep A Positive Outlook!
I hope you have enjoyed this post on the reasons why the fastest way to succeed with online dating is by meeting in person! There is no point in warming up to someone and getting comfortable. It only wastes time, helps you develop attachment and expectations, limits your opportunities, and ultimately impedes your success. Keep a positive attitude, have faith, and I wish you the best of luck in your search!
This post was all about the importance of meeting in person.
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